How to care for someone following the loss of a child

The loss of a child profoundly impacts the lives of parents and their loved ones. When someone you care about has lost a child, it can be hard to know how best to support them. Each person’s grief experience is unique, and finding the right words can be hard. Often, we worry about saying the wrong thing or upsetting the person which can lead to us not saying anything at all or becoming distant from them.

Below are some ideas on how best to support someone who has been through the devastating loss of a child.

Ask the person if they’d like to talk and let them lead the conversation. They will know how whether they want to continue, or whether they need time away from the conversation.
Use the child’s name and when they are ready, share your memories – keeping their memory alive and respecting their existence is important for many parents in this situation.
Be accepting of all their feelings – it is quite normal for the parent to feel angry- at the situation, at the child for dying, at the system around them. In an attempt to provide comfort, people sometimes sharing well-meaning phrases like ‘everything happens for a reason’ or ‘time will heal’ etc. Instead of sharing your beliefs around death, focus on compassionate listening, and let them know its ok to experience a range of emotions, and there is no timeline for grief. Through acknowledging all their emotions, you can normalise these and make it a safe place for them to talk.

Understand that something this traumatic will have a significant effect on them. They may act differently – such as seeming distant or detached. This can be common when the pain we feel is overwhelming as the mind protects itself by taking a step away.
Consider inviting them to coffee or to meet with friends – sometimes we worry that we shouldn’t invite a bereaved parent to socialise, however this can sometimes be a welcome distraction depending on how they feel that day. Don’t be disheartened if they do not accept the offer, they might feel differently next time, or may still appreciate the invitation.

Remember that grieving can take different lengths of time for different people, and don’t give up after a few weeks. After the funeral, support and offers of help often drop away, keeping contacting and offering help and support where you can is often well received.

During this challenging time, it can become hard to perform everyday tasks, this can be particularly challenging if the parent has other children to care for. Offering practical assistance such as dropping off a meal, offering to run errands, offering to pick up their other children from clubs etc. can be a way to show your support.
Hold the space and the silence – sometimes people just want to be around other people for comfort, but do not want to talk or don’t know the right words. Don’t feel the need to fill the silence or “make them feel happy”, instead, be there for whatever it is they need in that moment. That may be that they want to cry, shout or simply just ‘be’.

When the person is ready, they might want to reach out to specialist organisations for support. We have listed a range of links for various support organisations below; nobody is ever alone in their grief.

Here at The Retreat Clinics, we offer specialist support for bereavement, and for those who are supporting someone who is bereaved and want a space to talk and process their emotions. We offer open-ended, non-judgemental support at our clinics in Manchester, York and Online.

For more information on how we could help, please visit www.theretreatclinics.org.uk or email info@theretreatclinics.org.uk

Strengthening Relationships: Unlocking the Power of Couple Therapy

In today’s fast-paced world, maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship can be a challenge. The ups and downs of life, communication gaps, unresolved conflicts, and emotional distance can strain even the strongest bonds. However, there is a powerful solution available: couple therapy. In this blog, we explore the problems couple therapy addresses, the benefits it offers, and how it can help you build a stronger, more loving partnership.

Couple therapy provides a safe and supportive space where couples can address a wide range of common issues that negatively affect relationships. These include:

Communication breakdown: Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. Couple therapy helps couples improve their communication skills, enabling them to express their needs, concerns, and emotions more effectively.
Conflict resolution: Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but it’s how they are managed that matters. Couple therapy equips couples with strategies to resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner, fostering understanding, compromise, and empathy.
Trust and betrayal: Rebuilding trust after a breach, such as infidelity, can be incredibly challenging. Couple therapy provides a supportive environment for couples to work through trust issues, facilitating healing and rebuilding a foundation of trust.
Intimacy and connection: Over time, the spark and intimacy in a relationship can fade. Couple therapy helps couples reconnect emotionally and rekindle the flame of passion, fostering a deeper and more fulfilling bond.

Benefits of Couple Therapy: Engaging in couple therapy can bring about numerous benefits, including:

Improved communication: By learning effective communication techniques, couples can express themselves more clearly, reducing misunderstandings and conflicts.
Enhanced problem-solving skills: Couple therapy equips couples with the tools to navigate challenges and find mutually satisfactory solutions.
Increased emotional intimacy: Therapy provides a space for couples to express their feelings, fostering emotional closeness and strengthening the emotional connection between partners.
Strengthened bond: By addressing underlying issues and nurturing a supportive environment, couple therapy can strengthen the bond between partners, increasing relationship satisfaction.
Prevention of future problems: Couple therapy is not only beneficial for troubled relationships but can also serve as a preventive measure. It helps couples proactively address potential issues, ensuring a healthier and more resilient partnership.

If you and your partner are facing challenges in your relationship, don’t hesitate to seek professional help through couple therapy. Take the first step towards a happier, more harmonious partnership by contacting The Retreat Clinics today. Our experienced relationships therapist are dedicated to helping couples overcome obstacles and build stronger foundations for lasting love and happiness.

First day of Spring

Today marks the first day of Spring! This means warmer weather, more daylight and flourishing plants. Many individuals may feel low from the winter with a lack of vitamin D from the sun and the winter blues. Spring cleaning is on the cards this month for many, it dates back to the ancient Jewish custom in which Jewish families thoroughly clean their houses in preparation for the Springtime feast of Passover.

Many of us feel the pressure of a Spring clean, those who suffered throughout the winter months with low moods may have fallen behind with basic cleaning tasks. This is completely normal and could be the reason you feel more stress and pressure to catch up with all the cleaning.

However, research suggests Spring cleaning can provide a stress reduction, and due to the reduction in stress, we feel a positive effect on our mental well-being. Spring cleaning is also a physical activity, there are many significant benefits that physical activity has on our mental health. Physical activity gives us a sense of achievement, feeling less angry/ frustrated and aids with motivation and concentration.

Below are some helpful tips to consider before starting your Spring cleaning:

Create a list of tasks you wish to achieve whilst going through your Spring cleaning, this will give you structure and keep you focused.

Declutter before you start cleaning, if you start to clean a cluttered home you will soon become frustrated and overwhelmed with this. It is best to always start with decluttering and organising before moving on.

Take breaks, Spring cleaning doesn’t need to happen within 24 hours take your time with this. It is best to start in one place and start small. Take it one space at a time and try not to move on to something else before finishing what you have already started. This will help you avoid becoming overwhelmed.

Play music whilst you complete your cleaning tasks, you may be feeling anxious to start these tasks. Research suggests music can be a medium for processing emotions and regulating anxiety.

Wherever it is you start with your Spring cleaning, you should be proud that you have made that start. If you are unable to make a start with the Spring cleaning, it may be helpful for you to communicate with a trusted individual and ask them for some help. It takes courage to ask and recognise you may need a helping hand, by reaching out you have already made a start.

Mother’s Day

Sunday 19^th March, we express our gratitude and love for our mother and motherly figures today. We normally find ourselves buying flowers or self-care gifts to suggest today is a day for relaxation. The love of a mother for their child is unconditional, we are nurtured by our mothers as an expression of this unconditional love.

We spend today returning that unconditional love by nurturing our mothers to express our admiration. Although mother’s day is not a joyous day for mothers who have experienced the loss of their child.

The mass of happy celebrations on mother’s day all over the country reminds bereaving mothers of this loss. Losing a child is never easy, when grief cycles back around on this day it gets messy. The connection between mother and child seems tethered although this is not the case as they are still bound by this unconditional love. Grief is complex and not black and white, mindful.

Grief on mother’s day also surfaces for those who have lost a parent, You may feel anger, sadness and isolation. It is normal for you to re-experience all of these emotions but there are ways to help manage this. Planning and taking action for mother’s day can help you keep a structure for when you are feeling low. Reflecting on your grief. As mother’s day is a yearly reoccurrence reflection becomes a significant part of your day.

Being compassionate and patient with yourself is important, as understanding that your emotions are valid. It can be helpful to talk about and share your feelings with a close friend, family member or counsellor. Tell them what you need, whether it is a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or just company around you.

Remember that every grieving process is unique, you cannot compare how you deal with your loss or how others might be coping. The experience of grief can manifest in a variety of emotions, feelings and reactions. Intense feelings may not always be there but can appear unexpectedly throughout the grieving process.

Student Mental Health Awareness day

Over the last couple of years, the decline in student mental health has increased. There is a revolving door of research surrounding student mental health however this does not seem to slow down the rise in the decline in student mental health.

Burnout amongst students is on the rise as we are currently facing a cost of living crisis. Many Universities do offer financial support for their students who are struggling, it is best to contact your student support services who will be able to help guide you in the right direction.

The data for students’ mental health reported by Randstad in 2022 have stated almost 50% of students have considering dropping out of university, 7 in every 10 students have either been diagnosed with a long-term mental health condition, are experiencing a short-term mental health condition, or think they may have a condition that has not been diagnosed.

The pressure students face increases throughout their three years+ of studying, passing your degree becomes a priority and one setback can have a knock-on effect on that student’s academic studies. Students should be reminded that during the summer period, many universities offer a resubmission period, this is to prevent having to re-sit the entire year. Some Universities offer a first attempt or defer your work until the summer period. Ask your university about its policy on mitigating circumstances, your well-being team or student union will be able to advise you on your universities specific policy.

It is important to talk to your course tutor/lecturers, they are there to help you and guide you through your course. They will give you the best advice on the work you may be worrying about. Students may find the university counselling services beneficial if they are waiting to be seen by a GP or mental health professional. Most universities have a well-being team that is dedicated to supporting students’ mental health throughout their time at university.

The Retreat Clinics is currently offering a free online workshop for young people managing exam stress, this is running on 20^th April at 12:00 pm. You can find out more on our Events page.

EDI in the workplace LGBT+ history month

Equality, Diversity and Inclusion (EDI) are significant positive factors in a healthy workplace culture, they are embedded within many companies’ values. We all want to feel a sense of belonging amongst our co-workers and to feel safe at work whilst being our authentic selves. The LGBT+ community has worked tirelessly throughout the last century to gain equality and raise awareness of the continuous discrimination that the community faces.

Many employers provide mandatory EDI training for all members of staff to undertake. Educating all employees certainly aims to promote a healthy culture in the workplace but is this enough?

The LGBT+ community is in need of allyship, there is a need within all workplace cultures for acceptance and education. This enables employees to feel confident in raising a concern and spotting discriminatory behaviours. Employers have a responsibility to protect all members of staff as per the Equality Act 2010, this includes both their physical and mental well-being. Everybody should feel safe in their place of work.

The rainbow flag has become an iconic symbol for the LGBT+ community, Pride is the first thought that comes to mind when we see a rainbow flag. Employers take part in Pride month events every year and spend the majority of June promoting acceptance. However, consideration needs to be given to the remaining 11 months of the year. Throughout the last 2 years, I have noticed one small change in many companies that certainly feels like a genuine nod towards inclusivity, this is stating our pronouns within our email signature.

The Trans community face an alarming amount of discrimination daily, misgendering being one whether this is intentional or unintentional. By providing our pronouns within our email signatures we are addressing that gap. This is a simple gesture that goes a long way towards EDI in the workplace.

Being a true ally is all about challenging homophobia and transphobia as well as supporting your LGBT+ colleagues.

To be Scene By the Highland feminist

To be a lesbian is to be marked out as different. From as young as five years old, I knew that I liked girls. I liked their company, I liked kissing them, I felt happy and connected in their spaces. But I also grew up in a rural area, so although I felt a great affinity with, and desire for my own sex, I dare not have expressed it openly for fear of being bullied, or worse. Small, rural communities can be notoriously unaccommodating of anyone whose outlook on life is far removed from their own, and I felt this acutely. So, I did what many young women do, and I pretended to be someone I wasn’t so that I could fit in.

It wasn’t until I arrived at university in Edinburgh in my late twenties, that I kicked the door off the closet with as much bravado and force as I could muster, to embrace what today we’d probably call my tribe. My best friend and I had lived similar closeted lives at school and so we adopted the mantra gay is the only way and spent most nights of the week in the gay bars and clubs of the city’s pink triangle. It was fun for a while, and much safer than the straight bars my other uni pals went to, but eventually even we tired of the scene and so began, the serious business of living our lives as working adults.

I returned to the Scottish Highlands determined not to be defined by my sexual orientation, and instead focused on doing the things I enjoyed. By this point, I was out and proud and less afraid to be myself, and eventually, life brought the gifts of marriage and motherhood, and the label “lesbian” seemed less relevant than ever.

This LGBT History Month as I look back on the people and the places that shaped me, I wonder where I might have been had all the brave men and women before me not taken up the mantle for gay rights. I am grateful for their activism, their courage, and their tenacity to make all our lives a little more open, and freer.

I think about the theme of this year’s LBGT History Month, “Behind the Lens”: celebrating LGBT+ peoples’ contribution to cinema and film”, and how fortunate we are that the visual representations of our lives on screen are more diverse, and more accepted, than at any point in the past. Now, in my early forties, still living in a rural area, I care a little less about what anyone else thinks, and more about those who are closest to me, because coming out these days, is more about coming home. And Netflix.

LGBT+ History Month – Young People and Mental Health

February marks LGBT+ history month, and whilst this is a celebratory month that delves into the historical advancement of the LGBT+ community, a sizeable amount of the community’s history is the discrimination members have faced.

Research suggests children and young people who identify as LGBT+ have a higher risk of developing a mental health condition. This is not to say that identifying as LGBT+ causes mental health problems, rather the discrimination they face has a significant impact on their mental health.

Why is it important LGBT+ Children and Young People are validated?

University of Cambridge research for Stonewall in The School Report (2017) found that:

Over half of LGBT young people (53 per cent) don’t feel there is an adult at school or college they can talk to about being LGBT.
Three in five LGBT young people (60 per cent) don’t have an adult to talk to at home.
Two in five LGBT young people (40 per cent) have never been taught anything about LGBT issues at school.
Two-thirds of LGBT young people (66 per cent) say their school doesn’t offer help to access resources that can support them.
One in three trans young people (33 per cent) are not able to be known by their preferred name at school, while three in five (58 per cent) are not allowed to use the toilets they feel comfortable in.
Nearly half of LGBT young people (45 per cent) – including 64 per cent of trans young people – are bullied for being LGBT at school or college.

As a child or young person, they may be feeling overwhelmed, worried or confused, but this is normal and completely understandable. We would encourage children and young people to speak confidently to a trusted person who can support them on their journey. We should focus on the achievement this is for many young people, to finally have that conversation and to present as their authentic selves.

As a member of the LGBT+ community myself, I have noticed the relief felt when I can openly talk about my sexuality without the stigma and strange looks we expect. During my teen years, I felt seen and comfortable among my peers and not like the outcast society said I would be. I was privileged with my coming out story, however, I know many have trauma relating back to that time in their life. This is why LGBT+ History Month is so important in educating a wider audience on ways we can support and become more inclusive as society.

Written by Sophie Wrotniak.

Blue Monday- The January Blues

This year Blue Monday falls on 16^th January. While the origin of this day comes from a travel agency’s PR stunt, it is true there is an increased number of individuals feeling low during January which has led to the phrase The January Blues. The most common causes for this period of low mood are Seasonal affective disorder, financial stress and expectations set by new years resolutions.

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is the experience of periods of low moods during the winter months, poor weather and lack of daylight are thought to contribute to the development of SAD. It is suggested a lack of daylight can lower your levels of happiness due to a lack of vitamin D, this can lead to the experience of depressive symptoms.

January is also the month that follows Christmas and New Year, For many financial stress increases and you may have set unrealistic New Year’s resolutions. Many individuals will set New Year’s resolutions with high expectations of what they can achieve. Due to a lack of vitamin D, most individuals feel a lack of motivation. A lack of motivation will make us more likely to break our New Years resolution leaving many disappointed, which can also contribute to feeling low during this period.

Many would have heard the well-known phrase “new year, new me”. But it is important to remember while it is a new year, we are still ourselves. The new year simply brings new opportunities and new starts for us all. Try to set realistic goals of what you would like to achieve for this month and work towards this.

All the above contributes to the January Blues, but it is important to remember if you are experiencing this you are not alone and it is possible to beat the blues with some of the self-help tips listed below.

Aim to get more sunlight
Eat well
Exercise moderately
Mindfulness
Sleep
Talk to friends and family
Routine

Sometimes periods of low moods cannot be alleviated by self-help, and you may need to seek some professional advice. Here at The Retreat Clinics our therapists are highly experienced and skilled in short-term therapy and brief treatment programmes, as well as in longer-term work.

Our initial consultations ensure we understand your budget and can carefully consider with you what we can offer that is be a good fit for your financial budget, as well as your mental health needs.

All of our therapies are available at our clinics in York, Manchester and online.

If you would like to find out more please get in touch by emailing york@theretreatclinics.org.uk or manchester@theretreatclinics.org.uk.