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Escape Routes & The Importance Of Being In Control

By Ronnie Pinder, Coach & Peer Mentor at The Retreat Clinics

 There is a strategy that can help many autistic people and that is always planning your escape routes in advance and therefore making you feel in more control of a situation that may otherwise cause anxiety.

Escape routes can be literal but they don’t have to be. An example of a literal escape route is scanning a building we’ve not been in before for the exits. How can I get out of here in the quickest time possible without drawing too much attention to myself? Many of us who are autistic have abandoned shopping trollies in supermarkets due to feeling overwhelmed, often from too much sensory input. I have supported many people who don’t realise that they’re planning escape routes when entering a new and unfamiliar room, but I often see them scanning the room for exits and very carefully choosing which chair to sit on.

For an example of a less obvious escape route, I’ll use a personal experience. For many years before my own diagnosis, I couldn’t figure out why I was so scared of motorways. It was only after finding out I was autistic and in turn discovering explanations for some of my experiences, that I realised why. As soon as I’m on the slip road for the motorway I would always feel panicked and my anxiety levels would skyrocket. It made no difference whether I was the driver or the passenger and I knew that it wasn’t due to the speeds or the traffic. What was actually causing my distress was the taking away of my escape routes and therefore my control of the situation. I knew that if, for any reason, I felt anxious or distressed I was trapped, at least until the next junction. I couldn’t escape and this only heightened the anxiety. If I was on any other type of road, I knew that at any time I could simply pull over and get out of the car. I could go for a walk or stretch my legs, whatever I needed to do. However, I never had to do this on any other type of road, simply because I had my escape route and therefore felt more in control. It was enough just knowing that I had the option, that I never feel overwhelmed enough to use it. Escape routes can help in so many different aspects of our lives as they help us with that feeling of being in control.

Let’s look at another scenario. Assuming you’ve disclosed that you’re autistic and are open about being autistic, let’s imagine you’ve been invited to  a wedding. For many of us, that could fill us with dread. Not only is there the social aspect to think about but also the sensory input and the fatigue we’re highly likely to experience for some time following the event. You may not want to decline the invitation as it’s somebody you’re close to so a good option would be to start planning your escape routes. You could have a conversation with the person who invited you, thanking them for the invitation but explaining that you may need at times to leave for a while if it becomes too much to cope with. You can explain that if they notice you leaving to realise that you’re okay and just taking some time out to reregulate. The vast majority of people will be very understanding and appreciate you explaining. This then gives you your escape route. You now know that at any time, you can simply leave until you feel able to return, without the need to feel embarrassed or hoping that nobody notices. Having your escape route also lessons the chances of having to leave – it’s sometimes enough just knowing you can. You may be thinking that in your circumstances, the other person has no knowledge of autism and you’re worried they’ll just think you’re being difficult. If that applies to you, then you can try this. When having the discussion with them, every time you would say “I”, simply change it to “autistic people”. Instead of the conversation perhaps being something like “I struggle with social settings and I may need to leave at times for a while” it will instead be “many autistic people struggle with social settings and may need to leave at times for a while”. By making this simple change, the other person is far more likely to understand that this is a difficulty for many autistic people rather than think it’s a difficulty unique to you.

 

If you have an autistic family member, friend or colleague, try to keep in mind the reasons why many of us need to feel in control of everything. We’re not trying to be controlling, we’re not becoming distressed at last minute changes to plans for no reason and we’re definitely not trying to be difficult. We’re simply trying our best to navigate a world that isn’t designed for us.

Sandtray Therapy

The natural way for young children to communicate about their thoughts and feelings is through play. Children’s brains are different to the those of an adult. As adults our cortex is more fully developed. For young children their cortex is still developing, and they don’t have the same capacity to find words for feelings. The brain develops sequentially. Firstly, the brainstem (primitive brain) develops, and this is linked to our sensory systems. Secondly the Limbic brain develops, and this is linked to our emotions. Thirdly, the Cortex develops, and this is linked with thinking and language. See the diagram below from Beacon House.

Play therapy and Sandtray therapy communicates with the Brainstem and Limbic brain. It enables children to give ‘voice’ to their feelings and the impact of significant experiences in their life. It helps them to feel understood and to process their thoughts and feelings. It provides a cathartic experience for pent up emotions. Many children who engage with play therapy or Sandtray therapy find it helps them feel more confident in themselves and helps them communicate with their family and friends.

We also offer parent consultations, where you can talk to a trained professional about your child or your experiences of parenting your child.

Our therapies are available at our clinics in York, Manchester and online.  If you would like to find out more please get in touch by using the form below, or emailing york@theretreatclinics.org.uk or manchester@theretreatclinics.org.uk.

Bottom Up Approach

Ways To Connect With Your Teenager

Staying connected with your teen can look very different to connecting with a younger child – they have more independence and autonomy and are often experimenting with their sense of self.

As you may be aware, the connection we have with our teenage children can be just as important as the connections we have when they are younger – providing them with a safe base and unconditional love whilst they find out who they are and who they want to be in the world is no small thing!

Below, our clinical lead for Children and Young People’s services, Rebecca Kinnear, lists her top 5 ways to connect with your teen:

Actively listen;

Active listening can be difficult – especially if your teen is telling you something that is difficult to hear as a parent.
Active listening involves being non-judgemental, patient, empathetic and respectful. It means being quiet and not jumping in with the solutions or your opinions but holding space for what they have to say.
You may think that your teen is coming to you for an answer, but oftentimes teenagers tell us that they just want to be heard and validated.

Be curious;

Ask them open-ended gently curious questions to show that you are interested in what they have to say. By showing interest and wanting to know more, you show your teen that what they have to say is important to you, and interesting.

Think about the environment;

For some teens, the idea of sitting across the dining table and having a deep and meaningful conversation with intense eye contact can be daunting! Perhaps your teen finds it easier to talk in the car or when walking the dog together where eye contact is reduced and there are other things to focus your eyes on.

Create 1:1 time;

This can be particularly challenging if you have more than one child however children often share that they enjoy 1:1 time with their parent/s as they are able to talk about things that they perhaps wouldn’t if their sibling was present.
This could be just time in the car – making it fun and singing along to their songs, time after their sibling has gone to bed or whilst the sibling is at an activity – whenever you can find those pockets of time.

Show up authentically;

Being a parent can bring all the “shoulds” and “musts” such as telling yourself “I should always have the answer” or “I must fix their problems for them”.
It can be powerful to model how we manage our own emotions as adults – for example, admitting when we have acted in the heat of the moment and apologising can help you to connect with your teen by showing them respect, authenticity and modelling emotional regulation.

The key thing to remember is that teenagers may need you to persevere and be consistent, showing them that you will be there, no matter what.

This can be tiring as a parent, so remember to look after yourself too!

If you would like to find out more about the support we can offer please get in touch by emailing york@theretreatclinics.org.uk or manchester@theretreatclinics.org.uk or call on 0161 445 2099 or 01904 412551.

Christmas, Students & Deadlines

While many of us are getting ready to celebrate the festive season, most university students are currently travelling home. For some of the students this will be the first time celebrating the festive period whilst studying. Many students have been working tirelessly up until this week to meet their deadlines and revise for their exams. While you would expect students to stop over Christmas, many have deadlines and exams for January. Burnout and stress amongst students does increase over the Christmas period due to the constant pressure of studying.

Many students do consider dropping out of university during the January period for this reason. If you are currently feeling low over the Christmas period and are considering dropping out, try to exhaust all options before making that big decision.

You may feel a sense of panic and submit a piece of work while you are not in the right frame of mind. You should know that most universities have procedures in place and will support and guide you through this. Your university will have a wellbeing team that will be able to give you guidance specifically for your university and may offer mental health services.

During the summer period many universities offer a resubmission period, this is to prevent yourself having to resit a whole year. Some even offer a first attempt or for you to defer your work until the summer period. Ask your university about their policy on mitigating circumstances, your wellbeing team or student union will be able to advice you on your universities specific policy. Finally, talk to your course tutor/lecturers. They are there to help you and guide you through your course, they will give you the best advice on the work you may be worrying about. Sometimes all it takes is reassurance that you are doing it right to give you the confidence in your work.

We have contacted two university students to see what they have had to say on studying during the festive period.

Esmèe a third year Psychology student has said: “try not to burn yourself out, just remember for many university course 3rd year bares more weight. A lot of students will struggle to organise their studies in 3rd year if they have not already set a routine in 2nd year, so a routine is vital for your studies. Also remember to have some social time as you will feel you can never get that down time as its Christmas, then January deadlines, then easter deadlines and then summer when you finish. Finally, if you are in 1st year just remember your mark for this year does not go towards your overall degree.”

Jessica a second year paramedic science student has said: “I wish I would have done more over the summer break, they all said 2nd year would be a step up and it really has been. If you are feeling low seek some sort of help otherwise it will build up but remember if you are stressed about university it means that you care. If your course has personal  tutors reach out to them for advice, in my first year of university I shut down over Christmas and tried to enjoy my time with my family. This year I have realised it is a balance, I have prioritised and set a routine. You just need to find that balance and prioritise but don’t let it consume you.”

Loneliness and Grief at Christmas

Christmas isn’t like it looks on TV!  Every advert shows a perfect family, a happy holiday and a wonderful time with friends and loved ones.

With all the ‘perfect’ images, feeling lonely can be particularly difficult at Christmas.  We might be missing someone through bereavement, estrangement, divorce, or simply the high cost of the transport to reach them this year.  We can be lonely because we’re alone, or sometimes we can feel lonely with lots of people surrounding us.  This might be the first year we have found hard, or Christmas might be something we dread every year.

FIVE FESTIVE TIPS FOR MENTAL HEATLH & WELLBEING:

Be kind to yourself – Think about what might help you to get through.  Do you want the comfort of all your usual traditions, or might you need a change this year?  There are no rules

Escape for a moment – Try to distract yourself with something not at all Christmassy – watch a favourite film, spend some time on a hobby, read a book, take a walk

Be careful around social media – Even if you know the pictures are posed, social media will be full of happy posts, and you may need to take a breath before reading, or even choose to avoid scrolling altogether for a few days

Look after yourself – Your usual routine is helpful.  Make sure you rest properly, eat reasonably well and regularly, and don’t overdo the alcohol

Reach out – Contact someone on whatever level feels right to you.  A Whatsapp chat, a phone call, a face to face visit or just a hello when you’re out walking the dog, they all help.

If it feels too much, contact someone

Sarah Millican hosts #joinin on Christmas day on Twitter

The Samaritans 116 123 or online at www.samaritans.org

Cruse bereavement support Helpline on 0808 808 1677 (open 10-2 on Christmas day) www.cruse.org.uk

If you would like to find out more about the support we can offer please get in touch by emailing york@theretreatclinics.org.uk or manchester@theretreatclinics.org.uk or call on 0161 445 2099 or 01904 412551.

Grief needs dedicated time

The beautiful poem ‘Allow’ by Danna Faulds describes so eloquently the process of grief.

‘There is no controlling life.

Try corralling a lightning bolt,

Containing a tornado. Dam a

Stream and it will create a new

channel. Resist, and the tide

will sweep you off your feet.

Allow, and grace will carry

You to higher ground. The only

Safety lies in letting it all in-

The wild and the weak; fear,

Fantasies, failures and success.

When loss rips off the doors of

The heart, or sadness veils your

Vision with despair, practice

Becomes simply bearing the truth.

In the choice to let go of your

Known way of being, the whole

World is revealed to your new eyes.’

 

A bereavement counsellor can accompany you on this very personal and emotional journey.

National Grief Awareness Week – Reflections of a Bereavement Counsellor

The witnessing of grief and why seeking counselling may help.

Grief is universal. Grief is messy. At some point in our lives we are all affected by the death and loss of a loved one. For some it may be sudden and unexpected, or for others we have some time to ‘prepare’ and try to shore ourselves up so that we hold together when the inevitable happens. It is my belief that however much we think we are ready, that we never really are; not fully – we cannot experience things by proxy. We are social beings who thrive on human connection with others. The interconnection and interdependence upon others is part and parcel of who we are and what makes our life meaningful. The loss of a loved one can feel devastating and overwhelming, affecting and changing our lives in profound ways.

Reasons to consider therapy:

A container for the feelings we cannot bear.

Loss can feel devastating, leaving us vulnerable, exposed, raw, numb, devoid of answers and in pain- both mentally and sometimes physically. At a time when there has been so much crisis and stress in our wider society, increasingly people are doing their best to get by. There is less time and space to support others when we are worrying about finances, work, health etc. This can leave a bereaved person feeling very isolated and alone. We can feel as though we don’t want to trouble others at a time when we most need to connect. We can feel as though we are too much and embarrassed to express how we really feel.  Within a therapeutic relationship there is space to be and express exactly how you feel, without judgement. All parts of you can be ‘held’ with acceptance and compassion.

You are not going mad.

In a bereavement session with a client this week, my client in relation to the death of her mother talked about having ‘lost my person; lost my anchor’. We can feel as though we are broken or falling apart. A bereavement counsellor can help you to understand that what you are experiencing is part of a grieving process. Having listened to many clients who have lost a loved one, my own conclusion is that there is no ‘one size fits all’ way to grieve. How we cope and move through a loss will depend upon many factors including our past losses and traumas, our personalities, support network, what we learned from our families about emotions for example. We can sometimes hold too rigidly to fixed ideas about stages of grief or how we ‘should be feeling by now’ that hinder and compound our grief.

Counselling can help when a loss has been traumatic in nature

Sadly, death can be additionally traumatic when it has been caused by a sudden accident, we may have witnessed a painful death, or we may have lost a loved one through suicide. Specific kinds of therapy may be helpful in these circumstances. Your counsellor will be able to advise and discuss this with you. There may be times when you experience symptoms like panic attacks or heightened anxiety or feelings of depression and struggle to function in your day-to-day life. Your counsellor will be able to guide you and discuss whether additional help or services are required in these circumstances.

Your grief needs to be witnessed.

We all of us need to be heard and understood. Part of healing is having someone to walk alongside you and understand what your loss means to you. A good therapist will also be someone who holds onto the hope when you feel stuck in despair; the person who knows that things will change, however slowly and painfully.

If you would like to find out more about the support we can offer please get in touch by emailing york@theretreatclinics.org.uk or manchester@theretreatclinics.org.uk or call on 0161 445 2099 or 01904 412551.

Challenging the stigma around Neurodiversity this Anti-Bullying Week

What is neurodiversity?

Neurodiversity refers to the different ways the brain interprets information. We are hopeful that more and more people will begin to welcome neurodiverse differences and strengths, rather than the stories that we sometimes hear about individuals being targeted for their differences through bullying behaviour.

 

Challenging the neurodiversity stigma

Instead of isolating people (often because neurotypical brains are the ones that people seem to be most aware of and used to), a focus needs to be on inclusion, understanding and valuing neurodiversity. We are all different and unique in our own ways and the brain develops in different ways; we are all equally important, and we celebrate difference because we believe that difference makes the world an interesting and better place. We need people who think differently; certain changes would never happen otherwise.

 

What do we do at CYPNS?

At The Retreat Clinics, we also have a Children and Young People’s Neurodevelopmental Service (CYPNS), which mostly works with autistic children and young people, and their families.

At CYPNS, we champion neurodiversity, spreading awareness and understanding of difference and encourage all to embrace it. As a team, we are focussed on improving our approach to assessment, support, and report writing as new information and ways of thinking arise. We are currently talking about the importance of neurodiversity-affirmative language and the importance of noticing strengths in all opportunities. Increasing awareness and understanding of neurodiversity is crucial to support the creation of anti-bullying environments.

 

How can we help?

Here at The Retreat Clinics, we can support your child and your family to make sense of an Autism diagnosis, from assessments to therapeutic support. Our Autism Assessment and Diagnostic Services and our Specialist Therapy services are available at our clinic in York and online.

Find out more here or get in touch by emailing CYP@theretreatyork.org.uk

What to do as a parent when your child is suffering from bullying

We understand that it is never pleasant to think about your child or young person being involved in bullying, whether it be as the bully, victim or witness, but it is such an important topic to address.

What can I do?

The first thing to do is to talk to your child or young person. Explain to them what the signs of bullying are and explain you have noticed a change within them. Reassure them that you are there for them to talk when they are ready to do so.

If your child opens up to you, it is important to listen to your child calmly, offering support and comfort, as most children and young people may feel anxious, embarrassed or upset. If your child does not want to talk to you about bullying, then it is best to suggest that while you are there for them, they can also open up to another trusted adult and encourage them to do so.

For most children and young people, bullying happens within school. If this is the case for your child, you should contact the school to start a conversation about your concerns with their teacher, head of year or pastoral manager. Most schools have an anti-bullying policy and will not tolerate even the smallest cases of bullying; therefore, it should be picked up fairly quickly.

Even if it seemed to be a one-off incident, it is always best to inform the school especially if it was in relation to a protected characteristic. This may be because of a school-wide cultural issue that might need addressing. If your child is being bullied in relation to a protected characteristic then this is a hate crime, and therefore is against the law. You can report this to the police by phone on 101 or online.

If the bullying is happening online through social media or gaming, you are able to report this to the platforms as most have rules centred around online bullying. You can also report bullying videos that are shared online and request for them to be taken down.

How we can help

If you believe your child or young person is struggling with their mental health due to the bullying that is taking place, or their changes in behaviour do not ease through talking to them and exploring ways to help manage them together, then it may be time to seek professional help for your child. This also applies if your child or teenager themselves is a bully, as they may need support to resolve what is triggering this behaviour.

Here, at The Retreat Clinics, we understand seeking therapy can be daunting for both you and your child and that taking the first step can be hard. We have a team of professional and friendly child therapists who can work together with you and your child to design a bespoke and flexible treatment which works best for them. We have a range of children’s therapy services which are available for children and teenagers aged 4 to 17 at our clinics in York, Manchester and online.

If you would like to find out more about the support we can offer please get in touch by emailing info@theretreatclinics.org.uk

How to spot the signs of bullying

Bullying amongst children is a common issue within schools, outside of school and online, and of 2,347 young people (12-20 years) surveyed within the UK in 2019, 22% had been bullied, 27% had witnessed bullying and 2% admitted to being a bully.

It can be experienced both verbally or physically and take place at any age. Some children or young people might be bullying themselves, and this is often a result of their own unresolved, personal issues, which makes them choose to lash out at others.

Signs of bullying

Unless your child or teenager directly speaks to you about being bullied or has physical injuries or bruises, it can be hard to know it is going on. You may notice some changes in your child or teenager’s behaviour, which can be an indication that they are being bullied, such as:

There can be a few common indicators that your child or young person may be the one bullying others, for example if they:

Effects of bullying

It is never pleasant to think about your child being bullied, or worse, being a bully, but it’s important to be aware of the warning signs to try and help prevent both the short and long-term effects of bullying.

Bullying can increase the prevalence of mental health issues within children, with depression, anxiety and self-harm often continuing into adulthood. It can cause disruptions to learning, impacting their academic attainment which can have knock-on effects for future employment. The emotional impact of bullying can make it difficult to maintain stable relationships and might make your child or young person more likely to commit or be a victim of domestic abuse as an adult.

Online Bullying

Online bullying is often referred to as cyberbullying, whilst this type of bullying is online and therefore not physical, it may develop into in-person bullying, that can become physical. Signs of cyberbullying are the same as physical bullying however there are a few more that are specific to cyberbullying. Your child who may be a victim of online bullying, may stop using their device unexpectedly, become nervous or jumpy when using their device and have an increase in anger or upset after using their devices.

How we can help

If you are worried about your child or young person being bullied, then it may be time to seek professional help. This also applies if your child or teenager themselves is a bully and needs to resolve what is triggering this behaviour.

We understand seeking therapy can be daunting for both you and your child and that taking the first step can be hard. We have a team of professional and friendly child therapists who can work together with you and your child to design a bespoke and flexible treatment which works best for them. Our children’s therapy services are available for children and teenagers aged 5 to 17, at our clinics in York, Manchester and online.

Please get in touch by emailing info@theretreatclinics.org.uk.